I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
