Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
