The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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