I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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