Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
