6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
