But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I need to sanitize my soul.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
