I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
