I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
birth control should be required to get into college
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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