saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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