You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
