I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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