your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
barbara walters just said penis...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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