if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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