Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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