My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Floor bacon is actually really good
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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