I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
