If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
