Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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