Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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