last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
