You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
