A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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