The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
