pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
