You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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