I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
