If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
