I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
