i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
