I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
