It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
