i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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