he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
