the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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