I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
