guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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