i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
