I think my vagina is haunted
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
