Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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