remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
