I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
