You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
