Pappa wants mamma naked
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I am naked and annoyed.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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