How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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