Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Who died my cat blue again?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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