Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
