I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
