I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
try to milk me bitch
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