life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
