I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
